Best of Filmdrunk on "Avatar"

[philosoraptor42]

I've long found the website Filmdrunk to be absolutely hilarious.

One entertaining aspect of his site I've never commented on before are his selection of different posts where he is unambiguously opposed to all the Roman Polanski apologetics Working backwards:

Swiss Court Grants Roman Polanski Bail
“It can be assumed that as a responsible father he will, especially in view of his advanced age, attach greater importance to the financial security of his family than a younger person.”  …he said while lighting a Cuban cigar with a $100 bill and then putting it out on a high-priced call girl.

Roman Polanski Denied Bail Again
“So let me get this straight: your argument is that your client spent the last 32 years on the run simply because he had his feelings hurt, and now because of that, you say we should let him out again?  We do not know how it works in France, Mr. Temime, but this court does not award ‘points for sheer balls.’”

Woody Allen Signs Free Polanski Petition
The first signatory they list is Woody Allen.  Said Polanski, “Dude, you’re not helping.”
...
"His arrest follows an American arrest warrant dating from 1978 against the filmmaker, in a case of morals." A case of morals?  Yes, I believe the moral of the case was “you’re not allowed to rape people.”

So yeah, I think that gives you a fair idea of his style of humour. Without further ado, all further quotes will be concerning Avatar. Those who actually like it (and, unlike me, have actually seen it) you'll be able to recognise that this is all going to be rather tongue in cheek. On your f-list the subtitles and images are visible, but the vast majority of the text is under cuts.

Plagiarism?

Naturally after the trailer was released there were a number of comparisons and claims of plagurism. By the time the movie was on the verge of release Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo had come up with "Dances With Wolves in space", "Ferngully in space" and "Smurfohontas".

Filmdrunk comes up with a novel, a previous animated movie flop and a comic:



Overly Self-Congratulating Production Team

And he's right, they really do go completely over-the-top. I'll let the quotes speak for themselves. (The bits in bold are Filmdrunk's commentary.)

“He’s taking you on a journey, and it’s just beyond words.”

“We were creating an entire world from scratch.”

“It just doesn’t have a precedent.”

“One thing I’m always going to take with me from this is that I was a part of a revolutionary experience.” [*puts on Che shirt*  Righteous, man, righteous. *smokes clove*]

“We’re always trying to push the envelope.  This time we were trying to push the envelope, and it pushed back.  And then we pushed harder.  And it took a long time.”  [Push harder! I think I see the head!]

“It doesn’t look like anything you’ve seen before.” [*cough* Ferngully! *cough, cough*  Also - it' amazing that the aliens wear baseball caps and have beads in their hair. I've never seen anything like it.]
“It’s not just a movie, it’s a universe.”

Of course it is.  You guys created a whole universe.  When you think about it, you’re better than God. Because God’s boring old universe didn’t have neon cat people, did it?

Announcement For Two More Sequels Before Avatar Is Even Released

Filmdrunk is concise as always:

After creating an entire universe from scratch, the likes of which would make the real God look like a child pornographer, James H. Cameron wasn’t going to just stop at one movie.  That would be totally gay.  Historians may someday refer to this as his blue period.

Filmdrunk's Actual Review (Finest Piece Of Trash Since Titanic)

The Na’avi are basically American Indians and the plot is basically Dances with Wolves. While I’m sure there’ve been plenty of times in U.S. history when the white man was perfectly evil and killed a bunch of innocent Indians for no better reason than because they were squatting on some gold, anyone who went to school between the 70s and the present gets a little sick of hearing that story.  At some point you wonder what the purpose of retelling it is, especially as simplistically as it’s delivered here, other than trying to make us feel like crap. 

And the final flourish:

I get it, I suck because of my soulless lifestyle and technology.  Is there an iPhone app for white guilt?

This really is the most ridiculous thing about Avatar. Why insist on using the most advanced and expensive 3D technology and spend forever creating a fake world out of CGI only to slap onto it the moral of "give up on technology and return to nature". It's utterly bizarre!

Right Wing Nutcase Backlash

In southern redneck accent: "So what're you sayin' 'bout our brave Ah-merican soldiers?" - Well, blatantly nothing. This is set in a fictional fantasy future (to be honest, I think this looks more like fantasy than sci-fi) on an alien planet. Proposing that the portrayal of the army here is specifically an attack on the US military feels like a bit of a stretch. Didn't stop the nutcases though:

"The glee with which the American Marines participate in this massacre is appalling and does not show the true feelings and concerns of the real United States Military.  James Cameron should apologize to the American Military and should make a statement that he does not truly feel this way about them.  He should also apologize to the American public for painting our young men and women that defend this country as cold-blooded killers.

However, I am sure the Mr. Cameron will not do this as the movie is obviously a political comment on Iraq and Afghanistan."

Y'what?

He ends his editorial by saying that we should boycott Starwood Hotels because they say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”.  Really.  Because political columnists are nothing if not shrill and barely coherent.  “An’ another thing, Mr. Cameron, why come when I go to da Sizzler, mah food done git cooked by a Messican!?”

Box Office Analysis Lulz!

“Leave it to James Cameron to do this. To not only set the technical world on fire, the visual world on fire, but also the box-office world on fire 12 years after `Titanic,’” said Paul Dergarabedian, box-office analyst for Hollywood.com.

Gee, Paul, that is some brilliant analysis.  “So you’re saying he did it by setting things on fire…” Michael Bay muttered to himself while quietly petting his cheetah.

(”They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom, because this, this is
our independence day, meow meow I’m king of the cat-monkeys, coo coo ka choo.”)

Avatar Fans Are Bloody Crazy!

Avatards are like Twihards’ older, computer programming cousins.

“I cant stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers i got from it. I even contemplate suicide thinking that if i do it i will be re birthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in Avatar..”

“I’ve had the exact same feeling after I first saw Avatar- the sick realization that Pandora isn’t real- and trying anything to just escape this reality and live there instead, even trying to put myself into a coma so my dream world would be Pandora.”

“My urge to be a Na’vi is probably the strongest thing I have ever felt, and also the reality that it will likely never happen. Of course being able to link up with nature, or fly on your own personal dragon-bird is cool, but I want to be a Na’vi for more than that. I’ve pretty much given up all hope in the human race…”

“Im pretty sure we all have felt like this too. After all, we destroyed earth.”

“What will our money buy, when everything that is worth having is destroyed? The only way you can fill the emptiness you feel after this movie, is to jump on the leonopteryx.”

It's not even funny, is it?



Oh And BTW Avatar Is About Videogames...

Apparently there's been complaints that Sigourney Weaver's character smokes:

“This is like someone just put a bunch of plutonium in the water supply,” said Stanton A. Glantz, director of the Center for Tobacco Control Research and Education at UC San Francisco.

Yes, it’s exactly like that.  *sigh*  I wish hyperbole caused cancer.

Anyway, this isn’t the interesting part, the interesting part is James Cameron’s response:

Mr. Cameron said he had never intended Ms. Weaver’s character, Grace Augustine, to be “an aspirational role model” for teenagers.  “She’s rude, she swears, she drinks, she smokes,” wrote Mr. Cameron. “Also, from a character perspective, we were showing that Grace doesn’t care about her human body, only her avatar body, which again is a negative comment about people in our real world living too much in their avatars, meaning online and in video games.”

…he wrote while putting the finishing touches on 300 million dollars worth of motion capture and computer graphics.  -This email sent from James Cameron’s limited edition spacephone.

Here we all were (including the rather disturbed fans) thinking that Avatar was all about how great it was to leave our materialistic lives and live in the forest, but all along it seems he was tricking us. Apparently it's a criticism about people spending too much time on the 'net. Who knew?

So, with all this in mind, is it actually worth going to see it?

Cross-posted to moviebuffs